Editor’s note: In the fall of 2008, Mary Lebeau and her husband, Scott, took the “Love Dare”—a 40-day series (based on a book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick) of challenges and activities designed to strengthen and even rekindle a couple’s love relationship. The following is part one of a journal Mary kept of her daily experience. Part Two covers the final 20 days. You also can read excerpts of the journal here.

The challenge

A group of people from our church went to see the movie FIREPROOF last fall. The night was a fun one—good people, inspiring movie, and a bit of fellowship afterward. But there really was no reason to think it could be more than that.

Then the leader of our marriage ministry decided to dare the couples who attended to go through the same “Love Dare” that the lead character in the movie took. My husband, Scott, and I decided to join three other couples in accepting the challenge. And so began 40 days of focusing our marriages toward God and away from the mundane daily life and outside influences that so often lead us away from our Creator's intentions.

My reasons for taking the dare? Well, there are quite a few. First and simplest, I support the marriage ministry in our church as much as possible; it has honestly blessed the two of us, and I want to keep it moving forward. That’s the easy answer, but of course the full answer is always more complex. I want us to draw closer to God and each other, of course, but I also need these 40 days to be a time of personal reflection.

Our relationship is complicated; we’ve experienced times of true connection and total betrayal—with each of us defining those words in different ways. I do know how much I've been hurt in the past, and how far we've come since then, but I also know that sometimes the past comes back and hits me so hard I recoil. The wounds may heal, but scabs seem to get knocked off sometimes, and this is my problem. I have to learn to accept the scars for what they are, and not allow anything or anybody to allow the past come back to haunt me.

So I'm daring myself to take the plank out of my own eye, and to step up hand in hand with the man I love, our eyes focused on the God who put us together.

Day 1: Love is patient

The Dare: For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.

Today's dare was relatively simple. Just don’t say anything negative to your spouse at all.

Okay, so maybe my tongue was bitten once or twice, but I’m sure things will get more challenging as the days go on.

I'm pretty good at editing my words, except when I get angry, and I can't hold back and I spew all sorts of craziness all over the place. (How's that for transparency?)

Unfortunately, Scott has been on the receiving end of that spewing more than anyone else. Maybe it's because I feel most comfortable with him, which frees me up to be downright ugly in front of him. That speaks volumes to our connection, but doesn't do much for letting him see the love I feel for him.

So I did hold back all negativity, and our day went pretty smoothly. He did the same, and even though we were presented with a challenge (of the parenting kind, which is pretty normal in our lives), we remained positive in our words to one another. So I guess we passed this dare.

What I found most interesting about today's dare, though, was the reading from the book that went with it. I guess I never really thought about the role patience plays in our marriage. Like the book said, patience is more than biting your lip or holding your tongue (which is what my "self editing" is all about). It's like a deep breath—taking in fresh air and a new perspective before things get out of control. It's waiting and watching, like the early Christians did, and believing that all things are in God's hands.

So I can pat myself on the back for my editing skills, but I really do need to work on patience. That's the stuff that makes a strong marriage—and a better person.

Day 2: Love is kind

The Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Okay, Day One was a bit of a breeze for us. Day Two? Not so much.

I was feeling a bit challenged about the dare. Show a gesture of kindness? I wasn’t sure what to do with that. I wanted to clean our bedroom, which certainly would be a huge act of kindness (for both of us!), but I didn’t get to finish it. Life intervened—Scott went to the doctor because of back pain, and learned he had to be tested for kidney stones. So I took over cooking duties while he went for his ultrasound. (No results yet, so we’re praying that, no matter what it is, it doesn’t cause him much pain.)

I also got the bedding cleaned so he could rest comfortably. He did thank me for taking good care of him, so maybe he did receive my gesture (and it was kind!).

Thinking about it, I came to a revelation. My husband is really good at being kind, especially when it comes to me. He’s good at small gestures and back rubs and making the kids’ lunches before he leaves for work. He used to do the last one because I’d be up working, but now that I’ve cut way back on writing, he still does it and lets me stay in bed. That is really kind (especially because he’s more of a “sleeper” than I am).

I thank God this dare opened my eyes to a really wonderful attribute of the man I married. I pray that I show him how much his kindness is appreciated.

Day 3: Love is not selfish

The Dare: Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you…along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

Today turned out to be a fun day for us, though it may have gone otherwise. Back when we were having problems, Scott used to blame things on his selfishness. I guess he was probably right. He did have the tendency to think of himself, his own wants, before anything or anybody else. And since I’m his significant “anybody else,” I was the one who was hurt by his choices. But I do know he’s been working on this and has made great strides in thinking about me first. (Of course, knowing that he wanted things that could hurt me still bothers me. I have to work on letting go.)

I think doing this together puts us at a bit of a disadvantage, because we know what the other is dared to do each day. Like today, we're expecting a gift so it made it hard to surprise the other.

But my husband managed to catch me off guard.  The night before he bought me some caramel candy (my favorite), and I told him he was early on the gift.  So yesterday when I was getting out of work, I was totally distracted.  When I opened my car door, I found a bouquet of roses and mums and a note (along with a piece of the caramel candy).  I was so totally surprised, I almost cried.  It was sweet of him to present it that way, and made me feel really good.

Since our funds are really limited these days, I bought him a card and developed some pictures of our last trip to Disney World. I wrote a note in the card about remembering the good times past and looking forward to those to come. I also bought a peanut butter chocolate bar (his favorite) and put all three into a gold gift bag. I think he appreciated it, but it didn't have the impact his gift did because he was expecting something.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the lessons and the verses associated with each. I think what these lessons are doing for me is making me look at myself more closely instead of focusing on how to change him.  It's neat to take time each day and focus on what I can do to make my husband happy. 

Since I’m an obsessive researcher, I've been looking at different sites about the dare, and on one site I found this:

“Imagine that your spouse wears an invisible sign around his neck that reads ‘Make me feel important.’  How are you making your spouse feel important?”

That touched me, because my husband is important to me and I don't know if I make him feel that way.  I want to work on that, because he should know what he means to me and how much I appreciate the gift God gave me in him.

Day 4: Love is thoughtful

The Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

The dare today proved a little challenging, because my husband works in the type of place where he’s not allowed to receive calls unless it’s an emergency. I probably break this rule more than most spouses to begin with. You see, he leaves the house at 5 a.m., and when I turn on the news (usually around 6:30) I sometimes hear about accidents that have happened that morning on the route he takes. If I do, I call him right away just to hear his voice and make sure he’s arrived safely. (In his previous job, which was even further away, I had him ring once upon arrival, just so I could feel assured of his safety.)

So I really didn’t want to call and risk getting him in any trouble. I waited until the end of his day (around 2 p.m.) and called his cell phone. I still just got the voice mail, so I left a message saying I was thinking of him and asking if there was anything I could do for him. Of course, he must know I did this because of the dare, but it was still timely as he has been having back pains recently and is being tested for kidney and gall stones. So asking if I could do something for him was very appropriate.

He called me back after he clocked out (as he does every day) and we just chatted. We do this every day, and I do think it’s a great way to stay connected. He calls me just to tell me his day his over and to tell me how things went; I respond by telling him how my day has been so far and how much I’m looking forward to getting back home. 

I guess our phone calls in our courtship were more exciting and fun and full of sparks. But I like staying connected about the day-to-day things too. After all, those day to day mundane details are the stuff of our lives, and make our love seem real and lasting. We’re building a life together. It may not be exciting—and believe me, it’s work—but it’s work we’re doing together. 

Day 5: Love is not rude

The Dare: Ask your spouse to do three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do this without attacking them or justifying your behavior.

Now how tough was this? I go through my life so insecure I crave any kind word (words of affirmation are my “love language”!), and today I actually had to seek out criticism from the person whose opinion I value most. I found that idea a bit frightening—and and the other women in my church confirmed that I wasn’t the only one.

But Scott was quite kind in his criticism of me. (See, he is good at that.) He told me I panic too much when something goes wrong, that I push the snooze alarm button too often, disturbing his last hour of sleep with the constant beeping, and I don’t say “God bless you” when he sneezes. I had to disagree with that last point, as I do, always. He has a bit of hearing loss after an illness, and he just doesn’t always hear me. 

But he was spot on in his other points. I try to be a good planner and be organized, and when something throws my plans off track, I go into panic mode, which doesn’t help things at all. And I am totally guilty on the snooze alarm charge. That’s something I can start changing right away. After all, he does have to wake up earlier than I do, so there’s no reason I can’t start my snooze alarm ritual after he rises.

I was tentative about the conversation, but everything went well and we were able to air some of those silly nuisances that can become real problems if left unspoken. Today’s dare made me more aware of how some of my actions are insensitive to others, even though it was never my intention. More important, it made me aware of how we need to have more of these conversations, so things can be settled before they go too far.

Day 6: Love is not irritable

The Dare: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margins to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

I have to admit to being a bit confused on how to actually perform today’s dare. We were dared to react to tough circumstances in our marriage with love instead of irritation. Okay, I get that. But the dare said to start out by making a list of where I need to add margins to my life. 

Margins? I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, so I re-read the entire passage to see what the intent was. The book said the Bible encourages us to honor the Sabbath, a vacation from the day-to-day obligations which will cushion us from the pressures around us. Well, okay then. I’ve actually been putting a margin around my life recently, cutting back on seeking out work and allowing myself time to rest, reconnect with my family, and listen prayerfully for God’s direction. 

Putting that margin in my schedule hasn’t been easy. Sometimes I worry about not making money, and sometimes I miss the work. But I do think I need this time, this break, to focus on what is really important and to discover new direction instead of allowing my life to be one assignment after another without really serving my purpose.

So how does this apply to my marriage? Well, adding those margins gives me more time to reconnect to my husband. (Also, having less money means we talk about budgeting more—and sometimes we’re pretty creative together!) Scott and I have been able to do more prayer and Bible reading together since I’m not working late into the night, and that helps me be more calming and less prone to flare up (which happens sometimes when I feel pressured and overworked).

The last part of the dare was to rid myself of my bad motivations. I do think I’m a pretty unselfish person for the most part, but I am too judgmental and have a hard time letting go of past hurts. I need to work on this area, since the past is just that—the past—and we can’t change it. And as Christians, we pray to be forgiven “as we forgive those who sin against us.” I need to forgive completely, as Jesus took on my sins and washed them away with his blood.

Day 7: Love believes the best

The Dare: On one sheet of paper, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on a second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day … at some point during the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Today really required some reflection. The dare was to make two lists, one detailing the positive things about my spouse and the other listing the negative. Before I made the lists, though, I did a lot of thinking about today’s reading. I guess it hit home a bit. It said that in our hearts there are two rooms—the Appreciation Room and the Depreciation Room. On the walls of the first are written all the good things about our spouse, the things that make them special to us. On the walls of the second are all the things we don’t like about our spouse, the bad habits and little irritations and past hurts. 

The theory is that the more time we spend in the Appreciation Room, the more grateful we will become for the unique gift God has given us in our spouse. On the flip side, the more time we spend in the Depreciation Room, the more we will devalue this gift. In the first, love and gratitude blossom; in the second, marriages wither and die. The book suggested the only reason we should ever return to the Depreciation Room is to write “Covered by Love” over all those nasty thoughts.

Well, I have to admit spending more than my share of time in the Depreciation Room. Scott does so much for me, but often I keep my eyes on the hurts of the past and shrug off the goodness happening now. Scott testifies that he asked Jesus to change him and He did, but I need to accept that change and not worry about the things that happened before. We’re all covered by the love of our Lord and Savior, so what right do we have to do anything different?

Anyway, I wrote my lists. The positive list started out being easier. I guess I was in a good place, because Scott’s positive attributes just flowed. At first I struggled with the negative, but then I remembered some past hurts that just opened the floodgates. I admit there was a time in our marriage I spent a whole lot of time in the Depreciation Room, sulking there while I learned things I hadn’t known about my husband.   But today, I just went there to do some graffiti of my own, scrawling “Covered With Love” all over the walls.

Day 8: Love is not jealous

The Dare: Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Heavy sigh. I guess I’ve done a lot of backpatting during the dares to this point. But this time I have to point the finger right at myself. Yes, I have been jealous. A lot of that has to do with insecurity, but I guess the outcome is the same. I even comforted myself by highlighting the section in the book about legitimate jealousy, as I feel a lot of mine falls under this category. Still, sometimes my jealousy takes an irrational turn. 

I can’t remember being jealous of Scott. In most senses, we enjoy each other’s triumphs and share each other’s hurts. I do feel a bit jealous of things or people that take him away from me. I think there’s part of me that worries if he’ll find something better and never return. I need to feel more secure in our bond, and the knowledge that God made us for each other. 

Today’s challenge was to destroy the negative list I made yesterday. Destroying the list was easy—I just tossed the piece of notebook paper into the chimera and the flames blackened it to ash in the wink of an eye. Then I prayed that my negativity would disappear just as quickly. I’ve held onto hurt for a long time, but I realized my hurt has been tying us to a place we need to move beyond and rise above. I must watch that Satan doesn’t stir the ashes to try to spark the fear.

Some positive things about Scott: He’s hardworking, smart and kind. I want him to know how much I appreciate these attributes and, most of all, the love he shows me.

Day 9: Love makes good impressions

The Dare: Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

Today's dare is tricky in its simplicity. I am indicted on this one too.  This is another area where my own self worth (or lack thereof) manifests itself.  I have always been shy, and feel like I'm more of an annoyance to others.  As even my friends have experienced, I will enter a room and stand by myself and just observe, not because I don't want to be part of a conversation, but because I feel like I'm intruding and don't really belong.  Yes, I realize this is on me—my own impression which I'm placing on others.  It's definitely something I need to work on.  (So if I don't greet you next time I see you, call me on it, please!)

Scott and I usually do well in the morning, talking for a couple of minutes before he leaves for work.  We do start the day together, and we say ”I love you” (I always add “Be careful”) when he leaves.  Other times, though, I fall short.  I'm sure I don't always sound enthusiastic or even connected to the conversation when he calls after he finishes work.  And I don't always seek him out when I enter the house and he isn't right there in the room.  (I like my solitude, but that doesn't show him that I'm happy to be back home to him.)

So I have my work cut out for me here.  Fortunately, I think this dare will be a bit easier than the application of yesterday's.  Rushing to him as soon as I walk in the door will be a fun habit to get into!

Day 10: Love is unconditional

The Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse—something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else….demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Well, yeah. As Shakespeare once wrote, “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.” In simpler terms, if our love is based on the superficial, it will surely fade away. Be it beauty or money or that rush of romance, all of these will change through the years. But if we want our marriages to go the distance (and I do!), we need to have something more than just the superficial. In fact, we need the unconditional—the agape love shown to us by our heavenly Father.

Since Scott’s main love language is acts of service, I tried to speak to him by cleaning up around the house. With our brood, there’s always clutter. I’m not the type to be bothered by it, but I know Scott is pleased when he comes home to a clean home (after all, life in the world is cluttered enough). 

I think that, in the beginning of our relationship, our love was phileo—a friendship. It wasn’t a bad beginning, to tell the truth. In Scott I found someone I enjoyed spending time with and talking to, and that grew into romantic love.

But I do believe our commitment now is based on unconditional love. Things have changed a lot since the beginning, but we are committed to each other and love each other even through the hard times (which have been tough in the past two years, when he got sick and then lost his job). What he had or how he looked had nothing to do with the love I had for him. I pray that we continue to keep our commitment uncluttered – even when the world piles up around us.

Day 11: Love cherishes

The Dare: Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.

I filled today’s dare with just four words: “It’s okay. I’ll go.”

Scott often is our family’s go-to guy. If our little girl wants to play, she’ll call for her daddy. If my glasses are missing, he’s searching them out. Dog needs walking? My husband is holding the leash.

I know these things sound small, but they add up. They take a lot of time and energy and, though I don’t always think about it, I realize now these are his ways of saying he cherishes us and wants to put his time and energy into making life easier for us. 

So when we needed milk for dinner, he grabbed his car keys and headed toward the door. Then I spoke up. “It’s okay. I’ll go.”

Sounds simple, but it was my way of saying “Take a break, sweetie. I know you work hard at keeping this life good and happy and strong. Sit back with the paper and have a cup of coffee. I cherish you and realize you deserve it.”

“Cherish” always sounded like an old-fashioned ideal to me. I’m not sure I’m worthy of being cherished, but today I realized my husband does cherish me in his sweet imperfect way. And in my equally imperfect way, I want him to get the same message, no matter how many words it takes.

Day 12: Love lets others win

The Dare: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

To paraphrase Dorothy to the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz: “I think this one will hurt most of all.” I hate to lose. I always have. This does have benefits, as I often will stay out of an argument unless I’m assured of a win. But when I do have a position on a topic, it’s pretty hard (read: almost impossible) to change my mind. 

So I turned to today’s dare with a bit of trepidation. “Demonstrate love by willingly giving in….” seemed almost oxymoronic to me. Willingly giving in? Is that like surrender?

But something in today’s reading jumped up at me. It was this line: “You’ve already lost the fight by making this issue more important than your marriage and your spouse’s sense of worth.” Bam! There it was—I was making winning the argument more important than my marriage. That had to stop because I’m smart enough to know that, if I won every single argument but lost the gift of Scott that God created especially for me, I would be the big loser. (No argument there!)

So when Scott decided to okay our daughter’s bedtime snack even though she hadn’t eaten her dinner, I bit my tongue. Okay, I admit that wasn’t much of an argument, but we do have a lot of disagreement about parenting, and this was the only issue that came up today. I’m going to have to remember to keep doing this beyond today, as I’m willing to surrender my pride to keep my marriage healthy and strong.

Day 13: Love fights fair

The Dare: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement….resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Time for a bit of irony: We actually fought about today’s dare! Yes, the one in which we were to establish rules of engagement for future fights.

This one should have been really easy for us, as we just came back from a Weekend to Remember marriage conference which had an entire session on “Rules of Engagement: A Conflict Survival Guide.” The session was great and gave us lots of suggested rules for keeping a fight fair and on focus, so naturally we took out our Weekend to Remember books to refer to it as we wrote our own rules.

We started out pretty well, agreeing to keep our fights to just the problem at hand (instead of drudging up everything that happened in the past) and to keep our fights behind closed doors, particularly being sensitive to our children. We were cozy and content, almost in complete agreement, when Scott suggested we air our problems as soon as possible after they happen, instead of letting them brew and bubble over.

Well, that makes sense, right? But my husband has the habit of telling me I’m imagining things when I voice concerns, so I usually wait until I have three solid examples before I say anything. Now on one hand, this is good—we have a third less disagreements. But he’s right in that by the time I have stoked my arsenal with three examples, I’m pretty upset about something that could have been nipped in the bud by speaking up immediately. We bickered a little about this (okay, it became pretty heated) but I think we came to the understanding that I should speak up immediately, and he will give careful consideration to my concerns (even if he does think I’m imagining things).

I guess we had to try out the new rules sooner or later. At least I kept in mind one important lesson I learned during the Weekend: “The relationship is always more important than the issue.”   Now I’m challenging myself to remember that truth whenever an argument starts simmering.

Day 14: Love takes delight

The Dare: Purposely neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just be together.

It’s funny how I think things should just happen in a marriage. While we were dating (and especially when we were a long-distance couple, him in Massachusetts and me in New Jersey), we planned every phone call, emailed at the same time each day, coordinated meetings midway and celebrated every minute of togetherness. So how come, now that it’s easy to be near each other every day, it’s not one long celebration? When did being with each other become mundane, ordinary, not something to plan and look forward to and relish?

That’s my spin on today’s challenge, which was to put aside a regular activity and spend that time with your spouse. The main idea is that love is a choice, and you can choose to receive your spouse joyously (the way I did way back when). Sure, we’re all told we should follow our heart, but as the reading points out, we need to lead it, too. So a good wife will choose to treasure her spouse—warts, snoring, remote hogging and all—and will plan time to get to know him better, taking joy in the whole process.

So guess what I gave up today? Sleep! Scott is a night owl and I’m a morning person, but tonight I stayed up with him just to talk and hold hands and get to know each other. Sure, it’s been a long time since we’ve first shared secrets, but there’s a part of each of us that still wants someone to share things with. I cherish the time we shared, and I look forward to making more time for “just us” in the days to come.

Day 15: Love is honorable

The Dare: Choose a way to honor and respect your spouse that is above your normal routine…show your spouse that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

I think if you ask a man what he wants from his wife, you’ll often hear those typical answers: a good homemaker, a decent cook, an angel in public and a wildcat in the bedroom. But deep down, I believe there’s another answer lurking as well—one  more important than the dinner menu or nighttime activities. Most men really long for respect from their spouse.

Yesterday, I kiddingly mentioned some of the typical husband’s shortcomings (hogging the remote, snoring, and so on). But too often we focus on these annoyances and don’t give our husbands the respect they thrive. After all, I didn’t come into his life to change him. He has Jesus for that, and Jesus does a better job than I can ever aspire to. And, after all, there’s already enough changing I have to do—of me!—to spend too much time working on him.

No, I came into his life to love him, to lift him up and comfort him, to stand by his side and accept him as he is. Because—and here’s the truly amazing part of today’s reading—in our marriage, we are called to be holy. As the book defines it, “Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose – no longer common or everyday but special and unique.”

So today, I pushed myself away from the computer when he came home and I sat down to really listen to him, in a way that shows how much I respect him. After all, he is the special and unique person sent by God to be my partner. I want to honor this partnership and let Scott know, through my undivided attention, that he is truly “set apart” in my heart.

Day 16: Love intercedes

The Dare: Begin praying today for your spouse’s heart.

Ah, yes, the power of prayer.  Today’s dare is an important one, and I wanted to give it some reflection. I recently asked Scott if we could pray together before he leaves for work, and so (even though it’s 5 a.m.), he leads us each day. In that prayer, we usually thank God for another day of life and ask Him to keep us all safe throughout the day. So often I pray about what troubles me, for the problems of the world and the problems in my life, and for answers. Even when giving thanks, I seem to forget to thank God for Scott. I guess we really do take things for granted.

So today I prayed. I prayed that Scott finds his walk with Jesus to grow closer, that he becomes a more powerful spiritual leader in our household, and that the Lord continue to work the changes He already has in my husband’s heart. And, since I was on my knees already, I asked that my heart yield to my husband in all things, that I respect the person he is now without clinging to that dead self I seem unable to let go of. The Lord has done great things in his life, and I need to respect that. I pray that I can show that respect in all I do.

I also wrote down my prayer and emailed it to Scott, so he knows I am praying for him and lifting him up while he goes about the day.   Of course, he later told me that he didn’t check his personal email account until two days later, but still my prayer touched him and was “beautiful.” Although I appreciate his kind words, it was more important for me to establish a routine of lifting up my husband and asking for God’s guidance as he fills his role of spiritual leader in our family.

Day 17: Love promotes intimacy

The Dare: Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

In many ways, today was a toughie. After all, we’re talking about intimacy—not the kind that happens between the sheets, but the kind that comes with bearing your soul. I have always been guarded, as I’ve had hurt in my past that seems to affect the present. Then, as I have alluded to in previous entries, Scott had kept some secrets from me when we were first married that caused some damage later on, when revealed. In the aftermath—because he was determined to do anything to save our marriage—he came to Christ and has allowed Jesus to change him completely. 

So in a way, the ugliness we went through led us to a very positive outcome … but unfortunately, it did leave me a bit scared too. There are times I don’t feel confident of his transparency, which makes it hard for me to “be naked and unashamed” emotionally. We’re working on this, and I think this whole Love Dare experience has helped. We’ve had conversations I would have been too frightened to initiate before, and with each I become a bit more confident that the things in the past will remain there.

What are they? Well, that’s where the dare comes in. I will keep them secret, just between us and our God. And in the same spirit, I have asked my husband to “approve” what is written here before anyone else reads it. I want him to have confidence in me and my love for him, so he can be my ultimate editor. I know God will guide the two of us as we decide what to keep and what to share.

Day 18: Love seeks to understand

The Dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

We had to tweak today’s dare a little bit. The challenge required that you make a special meal for your spouse, then sit down over the meal and get to know each other better. Well, since both of us are doing the Love Dare and we only need one dinner a day (though Scott could certainly eat more!), only one of us was going to prepare the meal. And, since my husband enjoys cooking almost as much as he enjoys eating, he decided that he’d be the one preparing dinner. (He didn’t have to twist my arm on that one!)

I do have to say, my husband rose to the occasion on this one. He prepared a seafood pie, which is something I first tried when we were on our honeymoon (while my more adventurous spouse dined on buffalo). I love seafood, and this particular dish has that tie to one of the happiest times in our history as a couple, so it was a great choice for this particular meal and I was touched that he put so much thought into it.

Keeping in that mood, we reminisced about our honeymoon and those early days of our marriage. Then we talked a bit about how things have changed, but how the love we felt back then remains. I learned a little about his childhood, and we talked a bit about where I felt moved to go with my writing. It was a wonderfully intimate dinner. Now comes the real challenge: finding opportunities to have the same type of conversation while dishing out hamburgers to the kids!

Day 19: Love is impossible

The Dare: Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask him to show you where you stand with him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

I read the title of today’s chapter with a bit of a chuckle. “Oh great, now you tell me I was destined to fail all along.”

But the reading set me back on track. Of course love, the unconditional agape love we have been aspiring to, is totally impossible for sinners like us. As we read in Romans, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Only God can love unconditionally. But if we walk close to him, he will let us show that unconditional love to others. His love, not ours.

Remember what it was like when you first opened your heart to Jesus? You wanted to learn all about him, to be in the word, to stay in prayer constantly and only grow closer to him. But—just like in our marriage—our lives get in the way. Somehow we put that most essential relationship on the back burner.

Recently I believe the Lord has been telling me to slow down. In fact, I felt called to stop pursuing paying writing jobs for awhile, and to prayerfully wait for what the Lord will have me do next. Now, this may sound like no big deal, but my writing has pretty much defined me. It was like someone asking me to hold back on breathing for awhile. But I feel led to pray and wait, just as the early Christians did back before the Pentecost. I want to be filled with a renewed spirit so my time is not wasted in worldly pursuits, but in walking more closely with my Lord and acting as a true member of the body of Christ.

After all, that’s the only way we can experience and share that agape love, the true and perfect love that calls me to the cross, even when in my sin I turn away.

Day 20: Love is Jesus Christ

The Dare: Dare to take God at his word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, “Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by your grace.”

And all God’s people said, “Amen!”

Once, when I was a younger Christian, I was pondering how I could ever be worthy of God’s kingdom. After all, I was a sinner, and God detests sin. He can’t even look at it – so how could he look on me with eyes full of love? 

Then a friend explained it this way: Think of yourself as a card, and Jesus Christ is the envelope. When you accept Jesus, you are in Jesus—that is, the card is placed in the envelope. Your sinful nature still exists, but it is wrapped in Christ’s love, so when God looks upon you, all he sees is the perfect Love of his only begotten Son.

Now, that may be a bit simplistic, but the idea appeals to this simple woman. I want to be signed, sealed and delivered to God’s doorstep in the enveloping arms of my perfect Savior. And I want to help others come to that love, to understand their sins are forgiven completely, washed away at the cross. Where better to start than at home?

So today I renewed my commitment to Jesus, the Lord of the Universe who shed His blood for a “wretch like me.” I know I fall short, and I always will, but He never does. And He will use me to show His perfect love to His imperfect people, including my wonderful imperfect husband. What an honor that is!

© 2008 by Mary Dixon Lebeau. Used by permission.